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| first, before, last, encore.
changing of the color of leaves and the cold winter chill is really not a new occurrence but it's somewhat nice to see this again. it seems colder this time around. am I getting old? 20 years old chris li will be in a couple months. how sad, my teen days are over. with the change of seasons, I'm having a hard time getting used to it, maybe because it came so suddenly.
I need to keep up with my personal journal which I haven't for the longest time and it's kinda sad. I'm not going to be able to reflect on how I felt here and now, a year from now. I've been reading what I've wrote last year and it's so hillarious to see what I wrote and how depressing things have been! it's nice to live. and it's an encouragement to read on past journal items and see how blessed things have been and how God's been providing all along, faith in what is unseen. it's crazy isn't it? during that time I was so faithless, and it's an encouragement to be faithful even in the times when we're at the end of our ropes. I'm going to quote an old song that was played by tomlin:
You are the first, You go before,
You are the last, Lord, You're the encore.
It's amazing how true this is. just spending the second year now in college, I can attest that this is so real. if it was dependent on how I saw things or how I could succeed it just wouldn't be the same. keeping Christ at the center, and having Him as all that I strive for, Him as the first, before, last, and over that again.. he just renews every time. He recreates. He loves me just as I am. gosh. Gawd. God.
I'm just reflecting my conversation with one of the freshman at gcc and it was nice. We were just talking about what we did for fun and I realized that there wasn't much that I was interested in. it's sad i know, maybe someone can introduce me to a new hobby? but seriously, I came to the conclusion that something that fills me with joy is that of what God smiles on. (sorry I think I'm stealing that phrase from someone) Really, really though. whether it be where i'm heading with my college in social work, or non-academic (hanging out), or what I do with my life in the ways that I live.. if God does not smile upon, shouldn't it be counted as loss? and no negatives; this is an encouragement because more and more as I live for His smiles, i am filled increasingly with joy. Also increasingly does it allow me to be more selfless at the same time. i am a very selfish person and I like attention. but with His increasing joy that I fix my eyes upon, i am free. Also I am a person believe it or not, that worries. I worry about the future, I worry about the present. I worry about the past. But that quote of Him being my first, last, whatever.. it's so comforting. it's so encouraging that all these worries can be counted as lost and I can increasingly be selfless, and to love unconditionally.. to do all this for His glory.. and be filled with joy at the same time. I'll need this encouragement.
thank You. for filling me with joy and listening. why are You so good?
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| news?
my neighbor got robbed. i'm a little peeved, I'm honest here.. scared? possibly. could we have been the house that they would have burglarized? maybe.
some can say it's luck. but i say that we're protected. i'm thinking about what was running through the minds of those assailants. those who have stolen and for what purpose. and I could only imagine what they felt when they were running through the house filled with fear as well. who said stealing was easy.
as I write here is God watching? Is His presence here with us even if we're filled with unfaithfulness? Recently I've begun to take steps back, i don't think I am walking in His path at all. far from it. but He is still filling this house with His grace and it's only by Him surrounding this house with His love. one of my roommates as we were talking called it "good energy". I say it might simply be His love in this house despite our lack thereof safeties that this world can provide. can you say we're going to be safe? in Your hands we are taken care of.
nighttime, daytime,
we're free to do as we please,
but You ever watch over us.
would Your grace just shower this place. as i walk far, You could have brought your justice as you please, but you withhold, you do as You please. You protect this place because You care for us. Christ' love shines and there's truth be told about. oh can't you see? He's here to be our safety, and i'm here to see His mercies.
far from it, stumbling along but You ever hold me. /to be continue
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| spent joy.
can I say that I've been blessed again for an opportunity that I wasn't aware of? shout-out for Union baptist church, it was real awesome to have been able to serve. I saw some old friends and even something as simple as having a hug just had so much joy fill me up again. shout-out Tony.
it's funny how fast joy can be thrown away, but be filled again. it's been a long week but I'm happy to recap that there's joy that isn't contingent on circumstances but on Christ's love alone.
so after church I wasn't planning on going out to the park with my roommate. Love park, I wasn't really looking for any love, tired again. ha-ha, who wouldn't have thought that my last Saturday was going to fix me up good, this weekend was tiring again. But anyhow, I decided to go and I was so blessed. We went out to the park, my real motives was to get that book at borders and I figured why not be at the park when I was going to pick up the book anyways. how much was I filled with joy again. it's amazing how you would go somewhere to serve, even half-halfheartedly but be so blessed in return. He works in ways that we never do plan? (:
So we met a guy called alan? He had a lot to say, to the point that I was getting tired but some words got stuck in my head. Joy. "joy that cannot be stolen when it is placed with Christ." it's funny how someone in his state where he struggles with addictions that tore his family apart, that took him away from his wife that he kept saying was beautiful over and over again. he has no job, he's struggling with alcohol, crack, cigarettes you name it, he has it. but yet he can be so faithful to say that joy cannot be stolen from him. Seeing his yellowed, weary eyes; they lit up when he spoke eloquently about the joy that he has in Christ love for him. I stand here ashamed, that I can so easily have joy stolen from me, while he can stand and tell me of His grace.
Can these guys be more than I ever wanted? they are brothers in the highest degree. they bless me, they teach me, encourage me, all written in the Word, when we meet we have true fellowship. I'm so amazed. every single time, at the park it's renewing, restoring, it's so filled with beauty.
When we had that barbecue back in the summer for those at the park, we only had a couple guys that came but one man, his name Raymond really caught my attention. when we started up diakonos this semester, albeit a little late.. we see him again. who would have expected this man to have such a big heart that continues to bless even for those that do not return? I say this because he was the man who comes out everyday and works with union baptist church who brings meals every single day. tonight we had a feast fit for those that go to high-roller restaurants. translation for fit for kings. the food looked so good. satisfying and delicious. no offense to the cook, but it looked better than that forty-five dollar restaurant week meal! (: I talked to the lady hosting the dinner and she said this: "chris, this food here, we do this because on our sundays, on the sabbath, we have such a delightful meal, why shouldn't these people here have it as well? What He does for the poorest, He does for us" I was so touched by these words because it's so true. and it's funny how He brings back this brother Raymond at our barbecue and we had the opportunity to work with him in blessing these guys in the park. I couldn't help but smile the whole time as I did the humble task of filling juice and coffee. Smiling because I was encouraged by the servers, but as well for the people that came to eat.
why? because I saw a lot of friends that I met over the past year. I saw a old friend that I haven't seen him in a long while. his face lit up as well did mine. I shouted his name over the crowd, "Tony, Tony!! is that you?" "Hey!" Our eyes met and his husky familiar voice spoke up above the crowd "CHRIS!" "MY MAN!" We made small talk, but he didn't fuss over about why I tarried at seeing him again, or what I didn't do for him.. he was just happy of our presence together. We hugged, and I was filled with so much joy. and he only had things to say how much he worried about me, how he wondered where I was and missed me. Now look. He could only have brought falseness and just said those things (sheepishly boosting my ego?) But I believe that it was genuine. I give him the benefit of the doubt (: Anyhow, as I rant here, I'm so thankful that I could see him again.
As I was walking towards my real goal to buy that book, I couldn't really contain this joy. I'm thankful for the wisdom that was given to me, the encouragement, and the love that we shared tonight at Love Park. There was love and I could feel it. even if I wasn't the one being served this delicious food, my heart was fed.
joy is found in the broken, joy is found because of Christ and what He's done. we wouldn't have had that barbeque. we wouldn't have met these men in the park. there wouldn't be fellowship as I did have tonight. i'm looking forward to tomorrow as we will meet again. no check that out. I'm SO excited for that day when we will see one another. When we dance and fellowship in the Kingdom, together. heck, I can't dance here on earth but I believe our feet will be moving well in the Kingdom (:
'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
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| burned.
not once but twice.
I don't know if you remember the post about how I jacked up my ankle but seriously, nobody can run from God. He'll take both of your legs.
Here's a picture of the ankle a couple days after the fall last year. I decided that I could just do what I'll like to do. elephant foot (it hurt so bad!!)
Here's my burn that happened two days ago:
it's a long story but what I would like to write here. He's always present. for even the moments when I think I can hold my own, and I'll like to do what I would like to do.. there's not a chance that He's not by my side. so I was having a great time and taking again what I enjoy for myself. Now seriously, you can just say I'm an idiot for what happened, comical at the very least.. but the fact is I stepped on a coal when I was dancing around. I stepped on it, and it left that nasty mark on my heel and it burned (more like branded) by it. it hurts. Now I'm just thinking whether I learned my lesson the first time, whether I experienced it. I was reminded. But I didn't take it to heart.
Talking to a friend earlier today, she reminded me that there is an empty part that will be needing filling as I take these things out of my life. But I just fill it right back up with where I came with. I like it. I know full well that this is not what is for me, I know that it does not benefit me, and I no longer do wish to live with a divided heart like this. But why so hard is it to struggle and not live for something that is not glorifying? As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." But again, I like it. That's the hardest part. to give up something we love. to give up something that we cherish and want to have for ourselves but is just wrong. I take a step forward but it feels ten steps back. After a month or so.. it's all gone down the drain. I'm back to square one. I'm a disappointment to myself, and to others.
Also I know we shouldn't live in fear but instead in His unconditional love.. but it doesn't make me think about how He could have just ended it all there. or He could have just let me be and handed me over to what my heart desires. He didn't have to provide for me, for everything. But yeah, His love is just so awesome that He would. that all these disappointments, setbacks, and failures will be made new.. not just in the future but here and now. With two messed up feet, I can say that I'm not going to give up fighting. I'm good with a day, His mercies will be new the following morning, He won't give up.
ugh, i still can't believe how I'm such an idiot.
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| 15 hours.
for the first time in months have I been able to sleep this much. Well, maybe I overdid it, but I needed it. Sleep. I haven't really been able to get enough, and it seems like all the time am I doing something.. I lose sight of myself. I remember talking to a friend late, she said don't I ever do something for myself? Well here's my chance. This saturday is mine. Un-Official day of Chris Li. I like. But all seriousness, I need to spend some time alone, not just with myself but with Him. Just slow it down, just let things just be silent. be still. This rain really helps and gives me an excuse to let low.
it's kinda funny just thinking about spending time alone. it makes me think before I came to college and that summer. where I spent every day (even long nights) alone. I had all the time to spend with the Lord, and all the time for myself. I remember when I would speak with the inanimate boxes; words of comfort they would not speak back to me. and here I am tired of people. isn't that ironic? I should be really so thankful. I so easily forget the blessings from Him, and all that He provided before I even asked. Before coming into college I remember how uncomfortable I was, how I felt at such a loss. But little did I know there was something so far greater that He would set in front of me. Here I am, I can say that I never expected the people, the things, the education, and the list goes on that I have here. isn't that incredible? of course it's not without flaws, and somethings never go the way I like them to, but again.. I need to remember. I need to be thankful. and be faithful. trusting that He just has every worries fufilled and that He prepares a path that is good.
now to a short write of this morning. I wake up and realize it's close to 4' o clock. Wowsers. I slept for 15 hours. what a crazy surprise. I take a warm shower and make some delicious Canadian coffee from my aunt. it was so good. I make buttered-sugar toast to perfection (it's not that hard), but it tastes even better. as I write, the coffee is getting cold. but that's okay. i look out the window and see the red-brick row-houses. I look up the sky and see only grey. it's like it's still night.. or like alaska where the sky never turns completely dark. this weather is dreary. i'm playing pandora, and these love songs make me sick. but it's okay. i know He loves me so. im thinking of making brownies, or baking cookies. maybe when vincent comes home. clean my room i will. there's a film of dust that's dirty. i'll see you later tonight. there's reading to do, for my soul it's healthy.
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